John Gray, the acclaimed best-selling author of Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus, recently visited KOC and delivered a talk that covered aspects related to interpersonal, professional relationships between men and women in the workplace. The majority of Gray’s lecture focused on the differences between men and women, how they communicate with one another, and what both sexes can do to better create channels of communication that create better understanding and respect.
Gray began his lecture by pointing out that the root cause of many conflicts between men and women results from the lack of what he calls emotional intelligence or gender intelligence, which stems from a lack of understanding of the inherent biological differences that exist in men and women. Biological differences, he maintained, were the basis for much of the misunderstanding and conflict that can arise between men and women, especially married couples.
In regard to professional relationships in the workplace, Gray highlighted the importance of active listening and clear communication. Gray cited the typical complaints the sexes have of one another: For women, men are sometimes seen as not being able to listen effectively, and for men, women are sometimes seen as talking too much or not being able to “get to the point.” Understanding the key differences between men and women, he argued, was the secret to unlocking the potential for healthier relationships in which the needs of all parties can be met. One way this can be done, he said, is by better understanding the differences which are hard-wired into men and women. For example, women naturally produce more estrogen while men produce more testosterone, and the reason why conflicts arise between the sexes is because these chemicals in the body are out of balance, and the natural tendencies of both men and women to communicate in their particular ways can exasperate this imbalance. By understanding the other and attempting to restore balance, Gray argues, the two sexes may better be able to communicate more clearly and create healthier relationships in which both parties meet expectations in a more effective way.
The majority of Grays lecture drew on information from his enormously popular, internationally best-selling book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. In this book, Gray’s primary view is that it is important for men and women to remember that each sex has a reciprocally different nature. The creation of conflict often is a result of men and women not being able to understand or appreciate these differences, he said. For example, Gray maintained that men and women rate feelings and ability in different ways. He argued that men love to have their abilities recognized and appreciated, but hate to have their abilities criticized or ignored. Women, on the other hand, love to have their feelings appreciated and recognized, and hate to have them criticized and ignored. And while this viewpoint may be considered a narrow one by some, Gray reminded the audience of the fundamental, chemical differences in the physiologies of men and women which support these generalizations. In particular, he cited the role of estrogen and testosterone, and the important role these two chemicals play in driving particular behaviors in men and women.
In terms of how men and women can work together more effectively in a professional setting, Gray said that it is imperative to understand the general way in which each sex addresses work-related issues or problems. For example, when a man is presented with a particularly difficult problem or concern, he may become non-communicative so that he can better understand and work out how to best solve the problem. Women, on the other hand, generally become more communicative when presented with an issue or problem so that they can better work out a way for others to help them. In a general sense, men prefer to demonstrate their abilities by being allowed to solve problems without outside help while women like to demonstrate their feelings by being allowed to relate their problems without interference. The question then, is how can these two opposing and seemingly opposite courses of action work in harmony? At the most basic level, the solution put forth by Gray is that both sexes must understand the other’s natural inclination toward problem solving. However, in addition to trying to understand the other, there also must be a certain degree of empathy, caring, interest and acknowledgment – especially on the part of men toward women. It is only through this give and take and a genuine interest in trying to better understand the other that solutions to problems can be created.
Another issue that can sometimes arise in the workplace is what Gray refers to as “men and women speaking different languages.” What he means by this is that men often talk in very literal terms for the purpose of relaying information while women may employ more color and character in their vocabulary to fully express and relate their feelings. In the office, and this can be a primary source of misunderstanding between the sexes, men like to sort out their thoughts before communicating them and have a tendency to become distant or non-communicative as they think about their concerns. Women, on the other hand, tend to speak about and sort out their thoughts in the process of communicating them. This, understandably, has the potential to lead to conflict in the office, as both parties utilize inherently different methods of problem solving. The way to overcome this, again, is by understanding the way in which the other sex addresses their respective concerns. In summary, to accommodate the other, Gray suggests that both men and women must make small changes to their own particular behaviors and methods of communication with one another, but without compromising their own true natures.
To create better harmony in the office space, Gray maintains that communication between the two sexes should always remain respectful, and this extends to nuanced expressions as well such as tone of voice and body language. By remaining more aware of the choice of words we use, our tone, and body language, men and women are better able to avoid unnecessary arguments. But why do arguments sometimes flare up in the workspace? Oftentimes arguments or misunderstandings arise because men fail to pay sufficient attention to a woman’s feelings, contributions, or work. On the other hand, arguments can also arise if women are critically disapproving of men. Either of these scenarios could be the initial trigger, as a man’s inattentiveness can cause a woman to become upset and express disapproval, while a woman’s disapproval can cause a man to become defensive and stop listening to a legitimate concern. To stop communication from degenerating into arguments, Gray upholds that men should strive to listen without getting defensive, and women should try to express their feelings without being overly critical.
In addition to providing insight on how men and women interact and shining light on how to avoid the pitfalls both can easily fall into, Gray highlighted the changing landscape of the corporate setting, both internationally and in Kuwait. In Kuwait, for example, there is an increasingly large number of women entering the workforce in all levels of the professional structure. Most of the top companies in the world have women in leadership positions, and women have played an extremely large role in shaping how these organizations proceed forward with their business. This, by all accounts, is a positive aspect, not only because it creates opportunities for women, but because it allows women to now have a say in how these once male-dominated industries operate. In most cases where women are found in leadership positions, production and productivity is up and the general positivity of the overall workforce is tangible. However, Gray highlighted an important aspect of professional life that applies to both men and women, and that is the fact that a high salary does not necessarily deliver fulfillment. We must not ignore, he argues, our emotional needs as individuals, which are sometimes sacrificed for the sake of getting ahead at work. Again, the solution, Gray says, is the attempt to better understand one another and create balance in our lives, a feat that is easier said than done, but one that must be worked toward regardless.
About the Author
John Gray, born Texas in 1951 and lives currently in California, is an American relationship counselor, lecturer and author. He published the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”, which became a long term best seller and formed the central theme of all his subsequent books and career activities. His books have sold millions of copies. He married Bony Gray and has three daughters: Shannon, Julie, and Lauren.
His book has been one of the most 10 influential book in the last quarter of this century. It has been translated to more than 45 languages in more than 100 countries and it is still a best seller. Gray has written more than 20 books and his latest is “ Beyond Mars and Venus”. His book series “Mars/Venus” has made a great impact on men and women’s views at the relational level.